My Higher Power is John Stamos
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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