how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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