i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
