Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
