i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
