Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
