So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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