Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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