he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
