it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
