i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
