This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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