just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
