I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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