He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
