I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
