Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
