What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
