I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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