you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
