I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
