is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
