Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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