"it" just moved
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
