the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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