Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
