A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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