That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
