There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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