Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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