it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize