how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
