if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
