Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
