awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
