i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
