so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize