I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
