Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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