I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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