I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think my vagina is haunted
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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