i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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