Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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