Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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