Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
