i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
