Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
