I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
