that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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