I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
