those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
