I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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