Sponge bath it is.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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