i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
