I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You were trust falling into bushes
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize