My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I can't turn off my feet"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize