Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
