I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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