3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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