I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
