At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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